I know for many Mother’s Day is complicated, for any one of a vast myriad of reasons. I am among those. I celebrate all mothers and all who mother…and for those for whom this day is complex or just plain hard, I see you and am surrounding you with love. This post is an invitation to see what it means to mother in a new way.
Mom loved sharing how each one of her kids was so very different—one curious about the meaning of ‘intermittent,’ another eager to race up the stairs, while I invited her to notice the etching frost made on the windows. With her wisdom, love and support, she saw and celebrated us in our distinctiveness. Yet this beautiful clarity was muddied by powerful messages about conforming, fitting in and the importance of being liked, sometimes at the expense of being who we were.
Decades later, my own family was watching a performance of The Importance of Being Earnest at the wonderful Spring Green, WI outdoor theatre. It was especially fun since a dear friend of mine and I had loved its silly humor while performing opposite each other during our high school thespian days. We were all enjoying the show immensely. Then came the famous line:
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy.
Upon hearing it, Bee wound up her elbow to give me a big poke, teasing me about becoming like Grammy—but midway to the point of contact, she froze, realization suddenly dawning that this also meant becoming like me! Thankfully the play is very funny, as the four of us couldn’t stop cracking up. We still enjoy telling the story today.
What makes these lines funny is just how true they are. But have you ever wondered why?
Because it is easy for mothering to become—subtly or not so subtly—about making kids in our own image, even if most aren’t conscious of doing so. This dynamic may be especially true if a child is radically different from—or far too similar to—their mother. It can also be more likely if the parent grew up in a family or culture without much room or support to be who she/they were. Which pretty much covers all of us, doesn’t it?
Reflectors Not Replicators
Just as trees are reflected in the stillness of a pond, the true invitation for mothers is to be a clear mirror. We are, after all, eternal beings having a physical, embodied experience for as long as we have breath. We are—long before we became someone’s child—and we are long after as well. As precious as the parent-child bond is, and it is, at no point does it supercede this truth. Each one of us are on our own journey with particular gifts, strengths, challenges and opportunities quite distinct from that of our parents.
Being a good mirror requires doing one’s own inner work. This is not something ‘one and done’ but an ongoing commitment to this process over one’s lifetime. As precious as our children are, they are also our best teachers. They will always show us just what is next to be healed, if we have the humility and grace to see and a willingness to let our triggers become clues on our own healing adventure.
It is an extraordinary gift to be the front row witness to a life unfolding through every age and stage. Learning to support and celebrate this a tiny, growing human includes discovering, along with them, just how they see the world and what brings them joy. It means being there to comfort and support them when their heart breaks or fear overtakes.
We all have the ability to ‘mother’ ourselves and each other in this way, not just those who called on Mother’s Day. Creating the conditions for thriving includes but is not limited to:
Respect for oneself and the other, for similarities and differences
A safe and loving container where both have room to try and succeed, to fail and learn, to forgive and be forgiven
Cultivating a sense of wonder, awe, humility and humor
A willingness to let go of control in favor of love
Think back to a time when you have been in the presence of someone who saw you—who saw all of you, warts and all—and loved you anyway. It is incredibly powerful not only to receive that gift but to be that for another.
I’m so very grateful for my own mother, my mother-in-law and the countless humans who mothered me in various ways along the way. And I’m profoundly grateful for the deepest joy and honor of my life: the extraordinary gift of being a mother to a son, a bonus son and my non-binary kiddo, as well as to many others in a wide variety of roles and encounters.
An Invitation and A Meditation
I invite you to ponder what mothering means to you in your own life and journey. Perhaps reach out to express your gratitude not only to your mother but to those who have been mothering influences for you. How might you support yourself and others by embracing a larger understanding of what it means to be a mother?
Below is a video on mothering I recorded while on a walk, a beautiful benediction for mothers written by my friend and colleague, Ian Cummins, and a personal note about my own joy/grief of Mother’s Day for those who might be interested.
With all my love,
Elizabeth
For those who don’t know my story and wish to know a bit…
Joy and Grief Co-mingled
My mom died while I held her hand, in the predawn hours on Mother’s Day morning in 2018. I’m pretty sure she intentionally waited for one final Mother’s Day celebration, and I’m so very thankful for this last gift from her. And I grieve a child who did not make it to term, as is true of many women.
And I continue to grieve the death of our youngest, Bee, in 2021. Every day I miss this bright, wise, loving, delightful kiddo whom I birthed, nurtured, delighted in and loved so dearly. These pictures of Bee came up in this past week, and I love the incredible light that radiates from Bee, shining even through the images and stories.
And I know Bee’s light shines still, through the blackbirds and bees, through all those who had the joy of knowing them. It isn’t the same, of course, but I’m grateful that even death cannot break this bond of love. I love you, Bee, and I always will. Thank you for all taught me and continue to teach me still.


